Heaven, hell, death and apologies
by TheDrunkenWerewolf
Summary: The continuations of my other fic ‘So long and goodnight’. ending summaries inside. Has lots of angst, much death and mentions of previous abuse. Compmpanion pieces to my ‘Tales of the manipulated’ fics. Writing is in progress. Very Gin/Izuru centric.
1. Summaries

These are (or will be) the continuations of my other fic 'So long and goodnight'. Might be a good idea to read that one first so it actually makes sense. Tissues be a must for that fic though! I've had people cry on me before reading that one...

Now these three (if I ever get to writing all three because I actually have to do my assignments at some point) were originally going to be all separate fics. But because I am lazy and because they are all continuations of the same fic, I decided to lump them all together. Just makes it easier for me that way. So no complaints ne?  
They might be oneshots, or they might end up having multiple chapters, but lets just see what happens with the writing. Though I think they will probably end up being very Gin/Izuru-centric.

There is much death involved with these. But I will try to make them happy as I can. Making no promises though.

I do love how I can write these with the necessary amount of emotional detachment so I don't end up a crying mess. It's only the really powerful stuff that gets to me. So this, in comparison to the angsty Aizen abuse fic, is nothing to me.

For those that don't know – my 'tales of the manipulated' fics are 'My imitated smile', 'Manipulating the mentalist' and 'Abusive compulsive'. It's so hard not to shamefully pimp out my fics because they all interlink so much with this and the fact that they are all three sides of the same story. But I've been told that they're good. ^.^

* * *

**Summaries:**

Hell before heaven

Summary -  
Following kira's death in the war, Gin gets brought back to the soul society, trialled for treason, and held for interrogation. Where they discover the painful truth that he has been hiding. Continuation of ending I of 'So long and goodnight'.

[please hold out on me until the end of this one. I will be making this one of those 'sad yet happy' endings]

Lone soldier by the graveside

Summary -  
Following Gin's death in the war, Izuru witnesses the interrogation, trial, and execution of Aizen Sousuke. And then goes to visit Gin's grave.  
Continuation of ending II of 'So long and goodnight'

[le angst. that's all i can say. you might need tissues on hand for this one]

I'm sorry for all I've put you through

Summary -  
Gin is not allowed to die in the war. They revive him and plan to execute him but Izuru pleads to spare him. Can they make up for lost time? Can they make up for all of the abuse they suffered? Only time will tell.  
Alternative continuation for ending II of 'So long and goodnight'

[I wil try so very very very hard for a happy ending there. I shall try, but still I can make no promises]


	2. Hell before heaven

A/N – please hold out for a happy ending for this one. I was told that I needed to write more happy. Please hold out for 'le very difficult to write happy ending'. You err… might need some tissues before I get there though. For there is much angst.

Marisa Serise – I feel better about ITWD today. Must just have been me staying up too late…. again. Gah~ See I told you I fic jump. And nii-sama and Crazyfeatherheadd - I will do your AiGin dancing crack surprise/request soon. I will!

* * *

**Hell before heaven  
**

"My life closed twice before its close;  
It yet remains to see  
If Immortality unveil  
A third event to me,  
So huge, so hopeless to conceive,  
As these that twice befell.  
Parting is all we know of heaven,  
And all we need of hell."

_-- Emily Dickinson  
_

The war seemed to last for an eternity. Lives were lost, blood was spilled, and in general it was just not a pretty picture. Neither was the sight of Izuru's dead body in Gin's arms as he wept over his death. The death he caused.

It was never meant to be this way. They were supposed to have led quite different lives, but instead they both just suffered abuse. Abuse from different hands maybe, but still abuse.

"_Goodbye Gin."_

Those were his last words. He'd called him 'Gin'. That was like the final twist of the knife in his heart right there, the familiarity. Because each knew what the other suffered. Even when he was taken into custody Gin refused to leave Izuru behind. Even when he was held there shaking my Matsumoto as he cried.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this… Ran-chan I killed him. I can't jus' le- leave him here…"

"It wasn't your fault…"

"Yes it was…" he sobbed back, still cradling Kira's body, bawling. Bawling his eyes out. It was a state that even she had not seen him in before. But then again, she had not witnessed Gin in pieces after being raped. But she didn't know back then. She only knew now, when it became too late to even begin to _try_ to undo the damage done to him, that Aizen had raped him.

"It wasn't your fault Gin; he chose to forgive you…"

Somehow Rangiku had gotten the whole story out of him. Eventually he had calmed down long enough to tell her what had happened.

"This is all _Aizen's _fault." She snarled as she looked over to Aizen being bound and collared somewhere in the distance. The remark did noting for Gin, but she knelt next to him with her arms around his shoulders and was just there for him. That alone was probably more than anybody else had done. But she had also lost the same friend that day. They stayed like that until Byakuya Kuchiki showed up and demanded that Gin be taken into custody as well, seeing as he had defected along with Aizen. Rangiku objected but Gin went quietly, not saying a word to protest his innocence. For he was guilty of many things at this point. He was walked to the cells and told that he was to await trial and a possible execution.

"You will be held here until your trial. Any attempts to escape will be dealt with severely." Byakuya stated in his usual cold stoic tone. No hint of emotion betraying in his voice. As usual.

As soon as Gin saw the inside of that doorway he screamed and tried to run out but the ropes connected to his collar held him back as the guards reeled him back in. "NO! You can't make me go in there with him! You can't make me! No, please! Let me go! Let me go!"

He screamed and went into panic mode, but bound and restrained he couldn't run and he couldn't fight. His breathing became shallower and it soon became difficult for him to breathe.

"Please Kuchiki-sama, somewhere, anywhere else but in there with him!"

He screamed and screamed until his throat was sore and his voice was hoarse. And after Rangiku protested putting them both in the same cell it was reluctantly decided that he was to be put into a different cell block as far away from Sousuke Aizen as possible.

Because Kuchiki Byakuya didn't know. Only two people ever knew of what happened between Ichimaru Gin and Aizen Sousuke and one of them was dead.

They locked Gin away too. And Rangiku could only stand and watch and do nothing. Because he was a liar, a traitor. One of the condemned. Evil.

But we know that is not true. We know more than that, we know all events previous. As does Rangiku, but the rules were the rules and it seemed that she was the only one willing to break them if it meant that he lived. She watched as they shoved him into the cold and dark cell, she watched him get manhandled roughly and cursed at. She sat with him for the entire night before his trial in the morning. She held his hand and stayed up the entire night with him, talking. Talking about the past. He talked about everything, told her his entire story. She cried, he cried. They missed Kira together.

"I miss Izuru-kun." He said, turning to look at Rangiku. His red eyes watering again. "Why did it have to end up like this? I- I loved Izuru-chan… why did he have to go? Why did he leave me? What did I do to deserve this hurt?"

If she could have leapt through the bars and hugged him then she would have done. She would have cried with him too, but she would have to settle for holding his hand through the bars. Her best friend who was going to be trialled and probably executed for treason and various other crimes if the general commander got his way, and no doubt he probably would.

"I'm gonna die, aren't I Ran?"

"I don't know…" she said, not really knowing what else to say. She knew that it was a likely possibility, but they would just have to wait and find out. Neither of them was certain of anything any more now that the war was all over.

Gin couldn't sleep. His body was tired but he just couldn't sleep. Rangiku was asleep on the floor outside of the cell door. She really didn't have to be here, she would get ill if she kept doing this. But he was glad that she was there. The sun was steadily coming up now, and his and Aizen's trials would begin soon. Separately of course.

They came for him about an hour after the sun was up. Or what he thought to be an hour anyway, he'd already lost all concept of time from his less than enjoyable stay in Las Noches. Not that he cared any. Not that it mattered what time it was. Only that it was judgement day; time for his trial and interrogation.

Rangiku was allowed to hug him before they bound him, for the first time since he had left. She would be there for him. No matter what happened she would be there for him. They led him out, always carefully watching his every movement, not that he would ever try to escape. All the fight in him had long been dead. The walk to the interrogation room seemed long. There wouldn't be a full blown trial for a mere accomplice, but there would be some form of questioning. They had to find out his motives right?

Rangiku went with him. But on the way there they crossed paths with Aizen. Gin froze, his breath shook. His heart pounded. He couldn't move a muscle; he couldn't even blink his eyes. He didn't even dare to. When his eyes met those brown ones he only saw the black ones.

Rangiku clutched his hand and squeezed it tightly. She knew his fear; she knew why he was afraid. No words were said, only knowing glances were exchanged.

But this encounter was only momentary, they were both led off to separate places again. Where hopefully, there would stay. Separated.

Rangiku followed Gin as he was escorted down to the interview room by the guards. As luck would have it she was one of the few that were assigned to his case. But there would be no defence. Only the prosecution.

The room where the investigation would take place was kind of bright. And having spent his last few months in Huecco Mundo and all of its darkness probably only intensified the effect of the sunlight. He was led over to the empty chair but he was not unbound. They were taking every precaution here. He noticed that they were also recording the 'interview'. The room they were in was only a small one, and there were only a couple of people there. Unohana Retsu and Kotseu Isane and the accompanying guards. Both Kotesu and Unohana were leading the interrogation because of their knowledge of pshychology. And how the mind worked. Not that they knew much about the very damaged and complex mind of Ichimaru Gin, but nonetheless they could still try to grasp some understanding of it.

His charges were numerous. Murder, treason, grievous bodily harm to name but a few. But Gin was guilty of much more than that. They didn't know it, but he was also guilty of causing hurt, of abusing. Of lying and deceiving. Only he knew that.

"So, Ichimaru, can you tell us why you left the Soul Society?"

The question was blunt. Obvious even.

"To follow Aizen-sama."

"And why did you do that?"

"Because I promised. I said that I would. I said I'd give him everthin'."

Rangiku kept quiet; if she made any objections then they would forcibly remove her from the room, and the whole interrogation process.

"Did you want to leave?"

Unexpected question. Expected reaction.

"Did you think I wanted to? Unohana-san?"

Gin said this without his composure faltering once. Always keeping the sarcastic tone. But the question was legitimate. Did they really think that he wanted to leave? If they knew the whole story would they still think the same?

"Yes. Because you do not do anything against your will, and that is the Ichimaru Gin that we know."

"Then ya don' know me very well then…"

"Are you suggesting otherwise?"

"I aint suggestin' nothin'."

He couldn't say anything. Even if it meant that it would clear his name, he still said nothing. The guilt abut Kira, the fear of Aizen that still lived within him, the humiliation he would feel if they ever found out… all stopped him from saying anything. But to be honest with himself, he would rather die than live with the guilt over Izuru most of all. He could never undo that or cleanse that sin. Ever.

"If you do not talk to us, then we cannot help you."

"Then don't help me."

Retsu sighed. Exhasperated that they would probably get nothing more out of Gin. "Okay, we're done for today… you can take him away now."

"W- wait!" Rangiku yelled out, unable to keep quiet any longer. Just as Gin was about to get up to leave.

"What is it Matsumoto-san?" Isane asked, wondering the reason behind her outburst.

"He didn't want to betray us all! He was forced to! Against his will! Terrible things happened to him, even more awful than you can imagine to get him to follow! I know, I know because I have seen it! Ask him! Ask him if you do not believe me!"

She was yelling, yelling and half crying. What was done to her best friend was hurting hurt her just as much as it hurt him. And it broke her heart that he was going to die because of it. She didn't want to see him be executed even though he had done nothing wrong.

"Ichimaru… is this true?"

He was stunned, shocked even. All speech had failed him. He couldn't deny it, he couldn't object to it, because that was the truth. It was all the truth. Every word of it.

Until the silence was broken by Isane, who asked the most stupidly obvious question that nobody else would have even thought to ask.

"Did… did Aizen hurt you?"

And Gin could only just sit there and look at her, completely dumbfounded. Numbed by shock. The sudden realisation of what had actually been done to him just suddenly impacted. And he could only sit there and watch the fallout. Tears cascading slowly down his pale cheeks as he finally let another person see into his soul through the windows that were his blood red eyes.

"Oh my god…" Unohana gasped, "It's true."

* * *

Hmmm, looks like this one is gonna be multichapter. Or at least a two-shot. I do not plan ahead when I start these things. Things just happen. Wow, 2,000 words in just around and a half hours. I'm getting faster. I cannot be bothered to go through and edit massively on this one, so whatever I write shall stay. Ugh, I do need to get rid of this stuffy nose. Seriously, I can't smell or taste anything! Not even okaasan's wonderful cooking… Anyway, I'm gonna go get some chicken soup and try to warm up a bit. Next update shall come… whenever I feel like it. But hopefully soon. reviews are loved as always,

- wolfy-chan


	3. Hell before heaven II

A/N – Grab your tissues. You may need them.

And for CFH, I was going through my notes today and it turns out I've been sitting on these fic ideas since the week before Halloween when I went on holiday! o.O I just lost them in my 'ideas' folder on the black hole which is my evil satanic bluescreening laptop. And okay, I WILL do the AiGin crossdressing crack…. soon. And ya know, I STILL have to do that Aizen getting fired by Donald Trump crack fic… yeah I found that idea too. Buried among 1001 other fics. I'm so distractable! I was meant to have done that one months ago!

MS – on the promised smutty [censored pairing] fic: my beta has promised me it will be all done and beta'ed tomorrow. Soon! Hold off on the exploding just a little while longer kay? Then I will upload and hide from said fangirl explosion. I will hold her to her word and I will have it to go over and hopefully upload soon after I get it.

* * *

**Chapter 2 **

"To get to heaven, first, we must go through hell."

_-- Wolfy-chan_

Gin couldn't even look at them. At any of them. It was just too painful. The truth, as many a philosopher pointed out, hurt. And how it did hurt. He had finally admitted it to another living soul.

"Yes. Yes, it's true…"

Gin sobbed, unable to stop all the hurt from pouring out of him. All of the shame that he felt for letting it happen, even though he was powerless to stop it. Completely breaking down into pieces.

"He… he…"

He was shaking. Trembling as he sat there in the chair, feeling so embarrassed and humiliated. He thought that he could keep it quiet, but it was inevitable that they would find out sooner or later. They would have to know at some point, but that didn't make it much better. That didn't make it any easier to admit that he had been used and abused. That he had been tortured and raped repeatedly and forced to abandon everything he held dear. Nothing could undo that. He looked up at them, his eyes and face stained with tears and he was hurting so much.

"Was it sexual?"

Gin sniffed again, his eyes looking at Unohana with such uncertainty that almost made her eyes water. Such uncertainty and hurt that all the healing power in the world couldn't heal. It was a look that said 'yes but I cannot bring myself to say it'. And the expression on Isane's face was one of those looks of pure horror that was reserved for only the most violent cases of violence and sexual assault such as this.

"Am I clean?"

Unohana just lost it at that point. She was really aching for Gin now, her own eyes starting to water as well. But she was also angry. Angry at Aizen for causing this much damage, for doing this to him. Angry like a mother was when one of her children were hurt.

"Of course you are."

"Re- really? E- even after I hurt Izuru-kun?"

She just smiled back at him. She knows how he must have been feeling. Angry, hurt, guilty and confused. She knew how abused people felt. But to have a case like this happen right under her nose without her even noticing it was something else entirely.

"Yes. Really."

She signalled for the one of the guards to come over.

"You, unbind him."

"Hai Unohana Taichou." The guard complied, quickly releasing Gin's ropes that held his arms behind him, allowing him to dry his eyes. It really must have been hard for him to admit what he'd been through. But she really did need to get this information over to the general commander, and the people overseeing Sousuke Aizen's interrogation.

"Come on Gin," she said softly, beckoning both him and Rangiku to follow her to the fourth company. "Let's get you cleaned up. Your body must be a mess."

Rangiku was holding her arms around Gin and kneeling next to him as he just nodded and complied, still tightly clutching Rangiku's hand as he followed her out of the room. Isane being ordered to relay this information directly to the commander general.

-

After Gin was cleaned up and healed to the extent that he could be healed, Unohana was summoned by the commander general to discuss their most recent lead into the Ichimaru investigation, with negative results.

"But Taichou!" Isane yelled out, forgetting her place in the hierarchy before Retsu interjected.

"Surely this is a viable explanation for his actions. Surely this justifies him in what he did.

"My decision is final. Ichimaru defected alongside Aizen and therefore I must condemn his actions."

"But the _death penalty?!"_

"I said no more excuses!" Yamamoto's voice boomed out, making the young shinigami nearly jump out of her skin. "Ichimaru Gin will be executed. End of discussion."

"Yes Taichou…" she then said meekly, not agreeing with him in his decision at all. But she knew her place at the end of the day, and she was in no place to try and argue.

"We better go tell Ichimaru then…"

-

"What?!" Rangiku screamed at the top of her lungs. "That's impossible!"

Gin was back in his cell again now, it was late at night now and he had been cleaned, healed and properly dressed again. Even though he was still collared. He had just been sentenced to death.

"It's okay." He said, his voice soft, mainly because he was just so tired of yelling and fighting now.

"No it isn't!"

"No, really Ran-chan, I'm okay with it."

Gin was standing in his cell now, facing away from Rangiku as she yelled and screamed. His face was assumed to be expressionless, even though she couldn't see it. Even though she was falling to pieces only just behind him.

"Gin don't be ridiculous! You're… you're not okay at all."

Gin paused, collecting himself. Breathing very slowly as he spoke, allowing his point to be made.

"I aint never been okay. I aint been okay in a long time Ran... I aint askin' ya to like it, I aint askin' ya to go do somethin' stupid to try an' help me. All I ask is that ye' respect my decision. I'm ready to die, I've been through so much shit in my life Ran, more shit that ya can possibly imagine. And… I just want it to end."

"Gin…"

She didn't want to see him go. She didn't really want him to die. But she did want for him to be happy. And if that meant him accepting his death then so be it. Gin was half crying when he said it, she knew his voice tones by now. But she knew when he was of sound mind.

She sighed, somehow mustering up all of the courage she needed to accept this, the loss of her best friend. Of a loved one. Of a family.

"Alright. If it's your choice, then I won't fight it."

Gin turned his head around to smile at her. "Thankyou, Ran."

"I'll see you in the morning then. At least you can leave me with saying goodbye this time." She smiled, looking at him as she lingered in the doorway as he smiled back at her.

"Yeah. See ya."

-

She left Gin there with his thoughts. So, he was given the death penalty. But that suited him just fine. For he had a lot of sins to atone for. And some sins were greater than others, but the one that hurt the most was killing Izuru. And the fact that he had taken out all of his hatred and anger on him. Done the same things to Izuru that Aizen had done to him. That was his biggest regret.

But why, now, were all the memories that were flooding back to him all good ones? All the positive images he had of Izuru?

He wanted to cry. He wanted to cry and take it all back. He wanted to cry and scream and say sorry and to make it better again, but he couldn't. It was impossible. He'd killed Izuru, broken him. Broken and killed him long before Shinsou went through him. He still remembered Izuru, the good and kind Izuru. The albeit slightly nervous Izuru, but still the young, innocent and stupidly naïve Izuru that once graced Gin's life with his presence. He never meant to hurt him but things just slipped out of his control. He had taken to drinking to numb the pain and it just made things worse. He ended up hurting Kira all because he was stupid and weak and couldn't ask for help.

He had a strange dream that night. He was in an empty place, a white place. Not a sterile white, nor a dirty white like in Las Noches. In fact, he was very sure that he wasn't in Las Noches. He was somewhere different, somewhere that he hadn't ever been before. It was like he was standing in a heavy fog, but the air wasn't cold. And there was light, lots of light. It was a light much like the sun, so very ethereal after being in so much darkness. And he hears a voice, a voice calling out to him.

"_Ichimaru…" _

A voice. Does he know this voice? Yes, yes he does. He looks around, yet he doesn't see anyone. There is just him there in this strange place.

"Izuru?"

He takes a few steps through the fog, and the light brightens a little. He sees Izuru standing there before him, smiling warmly at him. The light illuminating him from behind. There is just this relaxed atmosphere here.

"_Take my hand…"_

Gin reaches his hand out, complying with the order. Everything whiting out again as he is brought suddenly back into the waking world, and the interior of his jail cell by the harsh shouting voice of one of the guards.

"Hey! Get up you lousy traitor!"

Gin groaned and got up slowly, his eyes still full of sleep.

"It's judgement day."

"Ha, wow really? Tha' were quick."

"Just get your arse moving."

"Hai..."

Gin didn't ay anything else after that; he just did as he was told. But his thoughts kept drifting back to that dream he had.

"_What does it mean, Izuru-kun?"_

He had seen Izuru again. Smiling and he should have been when he was alive_._

"_Does it mean that you're okay? Will you be waiting for me? Will I be going to a better place?" _

Rangiku was waiting for him as he was led outside. She was loitering in one of the corridors waiting for him so that they could walk down together. Aizen was executed first. And they watched it. Gin watched everything. He wanted closure. Aizen was finally going to disappear, but that wouldn't undo the damage done. It never would. He clutched Rangiku's hand and watched as they raised him. He saw the fiery bird. He watched his abusers body disintegrate. There, gone. Gone forever. But not forgotten. Never forgotten. What he did could never be forgotten. Never be undone. Never be erased from history.

"Well, looks like this's it Ran…"

"Goodbye Gin."

"Byebye Ran-chan. I'll say hi to Izuru-kun for ya."

He took one last look before he walked up to the stand, still bound for precautionary measures. He still smiled. Because this was the end of his suffering. This would be payment for his sins. For the hurt he inflicted, for the life he destroyed. He'd said his last words and now he was ready to die. Now taking one last look at the world he abandoned before as the blocks raised him. The world he was now going to abandon again.

_"This is it for me. No more pain. No more hurt. I can atone for my sins. I can pay back for what I did to Izuru…"_

He looked at the flaming bird now materialising right before his eyes, feeling the immense heat from it on his skin. Feeling his tears warming on his face as the flames intensified. Looking at the bird for just a few seconds as he readied himself mentally for it. For dying. For letting go of everything, the hurt, the pain, the guilt. The heartache. Not being able to atone for Kira's death.

_"I can finally die."_

He smiled as he closed his eyes for the last time, waiting for the impact. Waiting for the phoenix to pierce his broken and bruised body and for darkness to claim him. He waited for death to come to him, bracing himself for whatever pain would come. Only there wasn't any. There was just blackness and everything went dark.

-

When he woke up again and regained some sense of where he was, he found himself to be in the white place again. He looked around, seeing that ethreal light again. But he was calm this time, he wasn't unsure of anything. He didn't feel any pain any more, not even in his soul. His limbs and joints weren't stiff and painful either. It was like waking up how he'd wanted to wake up for so long. No more hurt, no more pain. This was the dream he'd had from before…

"Taichou?"

That voice again. The one from the dream. It was calling out to him again. Gin turned around to see who it was but got caught up into an embrace from behind him. Arms wrapped around his chest and hugged him tightly, like they never wanted to let him go.

"Taichou…"

"I- Izuru?"

He was shocked. But Izuru just held him tighter, pulling him into his warm and forgiving embrace, happy that Gin was here again. And that neither of them were in any pain.

"I waited for you."

* * *

A/N – *knocks out SadistAizen with her baseball bat* And thus they lived/loved happily ever after in the after-afterlife *laughs* okay maybe not so much the 'loved' part… lets not make this a crack now.

I'm sorry that Ol' Yama was a bit heartless. But alas it needed to move the plot forwards. Apologies if he was a little OOC. Also I think Rangiku kinda took over a lil bit. Also my anonamous guard characters were a little sloppy in my opinion. Just my opinion though. But dammit, I don't care! I like this. They get reunited in heaven. There! *is happy* Izuru is just that loving okay! And I like the concept of the after-afterlife.

Well I hope ya liked le very difficult to write happy ending! Even if it is a little OOC… this is just me having a whack at 'happy' for once.

Well take care till the next fic,

- Wolfy-chan


	4. Lone soldier by the graveside

A/N – Get. Your. Tissues…. now. That is an order. Do not argue with me, just do it. If my writing is as powerful as you lot seem to say it is, then you will need some tissues.

I am breaking this one up into parts because my left arm still is sore from my shot yesterday and it hurts when I move it. So, mostly one handed typing. Hence the short a/n.

This part may contain some abuse fic plot wreckage. I wonder if anyone will notice.

* * *

**Lone soldier by the graveside**

"People fear death even more than pain. It's strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over."  
_-- Jim Morrison _

It was some time now after all of the fighting had died down, and most of the arrancar had been killed off. Matsumoto was trying to find Kira among the dispersed groups after getting word of a confrontation between him and Gin. Aizen had already been arrested and taken into custody and she was going to inform him that the war was over and they didn't need to fight any more. She thought they would both live.

She was wrong.

So very wrong she was. Her worst fears had been realised. Even though she had hoped to god that they would both survive, somehow she just knew that one of them would be dying by the other's hands. Only she didn't want it to have to be Izuru's hands.

Gin was in his arms as he knelt on the floor, the both of them covered in blood. Gin's blood. Watching it slowly pour out of him and staining flesh and pale skin. Gin's voice growing weaker and weaker.

"Izuru…"

"Shhh, d- don't talk."

"I'm so cold…"

Izuru held Gin in his arms, crying over him, the floodgates had already been opened and there was no closing them now. Gin just smiled, looking back up at him, his eyes growing heavier and heavier as he struggled to stay awake until his life left him.

"Heh, why're ya cryin'?" he asked, his voice getting quieter now, "I hurt ya so bad… why're ya cryin' over me? Wh- why are ya even holding me?"

Izuru stops, breathing shakily through the tears he is crying. Through all of the heartache he is in right now. His heart is metaphorically being torn out of him. He is killing his abuser, and yet another sufferer of the same abuse as him.

"You've never killed before… have you?"

Still Kira looked at him, his face stained with tears. He knows the answer. He knows full well the answer, but he doesn't want to say it. He doesn't want to wreck his death; Gin felt bad enough as it was. But Izuru has never before killed another human.

"Heh, god, even now I'm still makin' selfish demands off ya…"

"Gin…"

"Ya should be happy I'm yer first kill." Gin said, but he didn't snarl or spit out the words at Kira, he was just hurting that Kira was crying over him when he didn't deserve it. He wasn't being nasty, not at all nasty, but just sad. He was upset. Upset and hurt.

"I know what its like Gin, to be hurt by someone. I don't want to see any more pain."

"Course ya know. I hurt ya."

Izuru smiled wearily, for the first time in many years, showing his hurt. Hurt for his own betrayal, the betrayal before Gin's.

"You weren't the first one to hurt me…"

Gin was shocked. Izuru had been hurt before?

"But… by who?"

"Someone I loved."

Gin didn't know. He could make guesses, but he would still never know. His mother? His lover?

He would never know what violence had been inflicted on Izuru long before he even came into the picture. The abuse that he suffered, the heartbreak it caused. The hurt that he never should have suffered when something that wasn't supposed to be twisted somehow got twisted. No, he would never know how badly it tore him apart.

And that was the way Kira wanted it. Because that was not for Gin to know, because although Gin didn't know it, he knew how that felt. In fact, he knew _exactly _how it felt.

Used by someone you trusted. Abused by someone you looked out for. Somebody you may have even loved. Stabbed in the back, watching as they ripped your heart out, not literally of course but you get the picture.

Gin swallowed, not even having the strength to return Izuru's hold any more.

"I'm sorry."

He wanted to cry. He really did. All this time he had assumed Izuru to be pure and untainted by abuse and that was one of the reasons for his jealously, his anger at the world, his anger at Izuru, the reason for his hurt. But he assumed wrongly.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I would ask you the same question. But we both already know the answer to that, don't we."

Gin looked away, it was true, and they both knew the answer. They both knew the fact that it would have been so painful and humiliating to admit the abuse they suffered. That fact that they would have to answer questions about it, when really; all they wanted was to deny the fact that they were ever abused and hurt. And had their virginities stolen from them and their lives wrecked by the same bloodthirsty monster.

"It hurts Izuru…"

"I know."

Kira paused, shaking as he clutched Gin tighter. Everything that he had fought so long to bury just pouring out of him. All of the hurt for all that he suffered, all of the pain and disgust. And the pure compassion and love that he thought he would never feel ever again in the form of a tight embrace. And tears. Lots and lots of tears. The pain wasn't just physical, it was emotional too.

"I'm scared."

"I'll be alright Izuru…"

"How did it become like this, that you don't even fear dying any more?"

Gin smiled, he had been through so much pain already and he just wanted it to end. But part of him didn't want to leave without making peace with Izuru first.

"Don't leave me alone…"

Gin breathed out heavily and shakily somehow managing to find Izuru's hand in his own.

"Izuru, you listen to me. I'm a dyin' man, in fact, I tried to off myself before only they wouldn' let me. They brought me back jus' to suffer. You aint like me, you still got will to live. You're stronger than me; you're a hell of a lot stronger than me. I want ya to live, I want ya to be strong. And yer not alone, yer never alone."

Gin paused again, his other hand pulling out something from his bloodied clothes and handing it to Kira.

"When I'm gone, you read this. When yer ready, you read this."

Kira nodded slowly, putting the note that he had just been given into his shihakusho and squeezing Gin with both his arms again. Water still pouring from his eyes.

"It's time for me to go Izuru kun… I don't know if ya can ever forgive me, but I'm really sorry I hurt you…"

Gin's voice was shaking; even now he was still saying he was sorry. He was on the edge of crying and breaking down too. Looking up at Izuru with such pained eyes as he hugged him, still shaking and crying everywhere.

"You idiot… of course I forgive you."

Gin smiled again, letting all of the emotional pain fade away and disappear in what would be his final moments. His hand holding onto Kira's, hoping that his warm embrace would hold him until his end came. And hopefully he could take his last breath in Izuru's arms.

"Thankyou."

Gin's smile dropped.

"Heh, don't cry Izuru… I'll be alright. You'll be okay withou' me. I know ya will."

He looked up at Kira again through his pure snowy white hair, dyes with blood, with his blood red eyes of the same colour of the carnage.

"Let me die Izuru."

It was then that Kira knew that Gin was only hanging onto life because of him, and that Gin wanted to make sure that he was okay before he left him. He swallowed hard, somehow mustering up all of the courage to let him go, to free him from his pain.

"It's okay… you can go now."

Gin breathed in and out shakily again, his very lungs shaking with the energy it took just to breathe. And he knew that he couldn't last much longer. But now he knew that it was okay. That it was alright to pass on.

He smiled again, looking up into Izuru's eyes, the open windows to both of their damaged souls.

"Goodbye Izuru…"

Kira smiled wearily and then watched as Gin took his final breath, his body relaxing in his arms as he then passed into eternity. His entire body going limp in Kira's arms as he closed his eyes forever, and the once ever present smile left his face for the very last time.

"Goodbye Gin... I'm sorry..."


	5. Lone soldier by the graveside II

No rant today, don't feel like ranting today. I'm tired and still have much assignment work to do, even though I've been at it all day. They like piling it on me, but I got most of it shifted. So, angsty story time for an hour as a reward for my hard working. This one has only two more chapters to do and then onto the third instalment.

This contains some huge plot wreckage for 'abusive compulsive' because the plot called for it. Do not say you were not warned.

* * *

**Chapter 2: Love never dies **

"What broke in a man when he could bring himself to kill another?"

_-- Alan Paton_

Izuru cried that day.

He held onto Gin and he cried. He finally let the floodgates open. He cried for everything, everything that he had suffered, for everything that had happened. He even cried for everything that Gin suffered. For he was only one of the two that knew; but he was the only one person that fully understood what he had been through. Because he had suffered the same thing himself. Pretty much right down to the each bruise. Everything down to the last swear word.

For everything, he cried. And he just couldn't stop.

His heart was aching. Aching inside of his chest, he couldn't breathe, and for the first time in what had been a very long while, he truly felt alone in the world. His freedom had come at too high a price and now he was feeling the consequences of it. The consequences that had shook his world.

He bawled his little blue eyes out that day.

When Matsumoto found him she found his eyes to be empty and bloodshot. He'd been crying, and now it seemed he was all out of tears. She stepped over to him quietly, the look in his eyes so full of pain and regret. She knew Gin had suffered, she knew that he had been through so much abuse, she even knew just how much he wanted to die, but that didn't stop it hurting when she actually saw his lifeless body still being held by Izuru.

It was as if her heart stopped beating in her chest, but she was quickly summoned away by her taichou before she could even do anything to comfort him. For there were many other casualties of this war, leaving Kira on his own for what she thought to be a time when he needed to be alone to grieve.

They led Aizen away, with his hands bound in front of him, so they could be seen at all times. And Izuru growled as he saw him approach. As he walked by his face just dropped, Gin was covered in blood and Shinsou was resting on the floor beside Kira.

"Gin?" he asked, in shock at the sight of so much blood, edging closer to him. "Oh god… Gin?!"

"Don't touch him." Izuru snarled back at him, cradling Gin in his arms and holding him protectively to his chest. If he really cared about Gin he wouldn't have hurt him.

"Don't you dare touch him!"

Aizen's eyes widened as Izuru glared coldly at him. His face displaying pure horror as Kira snarled at him, spitting out his words. His next sentence really hitting home and causing hurt, hurt that was evident in his chocolate coloured eyes.

"You don't have the _right _to touch him."

"Izuru…"

"Don't... speak… to me…" he said, his voice shaking slightly. But still showing no emotion whatsoever. Until he screamed at him.

"You mean nothing to me! You're dead to me! Dead do you hear me?! Dead! So don't you dare come any closer to me! Not after all you've done!"

Kira was breathing heavily, looking at Aizen right in the eyes. "You don't get to touch him, or me… ever again."

When they dragged him away after that little confrontation, Izuru broke down again, clutching onto Gin as more hot tears poured from him. Tears that he never knew were there. When they came to take Gin's body away he refused to leave him. He walked with them as they took his body back for autopsy. He went with them and helped to bury him with Matsumoto. He dug the grave and helped to lower his stitched up body back into the ground. He even buried him again. He was there every step of the way. Aching for every part of it.

Aizen's trial was to be immediate because of the threats he posed just by living. He was hauled into the dock as they decided his fate. They told of his crimes and the prosecution practically had a field day, for there was nobody to defend him. Treason, murder, perverting the course of justice. Crimes against humanity, crimes against nature.

And when they asked if there was anything else he told them.

"Grievous bodily harm." He told them, "Sexual assault and battery." He said. "Unprovoked assault."

Aizen was listing all of the things he had done to Gin, and Izuru knowing exactly what Gin suffered. The people were in awe, shock, horror. At the sheer fact that Aizen Sousuke's crimes were far worse than they had possibly imagined. But that was what life was like for Gin, for him. Gin had acted out; Gin didn't know what to do. He was hurt, angry, and confused.

There were whispers of "rape and murder?" there were gasps of shock, but Izuru had to speak out.

"The abuse of Ichimaru Gin."

There was no way out for Aizen now, he would pay for what he'd done. It wouldn't bring Gin back, but it was something. At least Aizen was actually going to pay for his crimes.

His crimes against Gin, his crimes against Izuru. It would be payback. Revenge for what he had done against them.

But feelings, as they say, have a bad habit of not dying easily. So when the final word was given, and Sousuke Aizen was sentenced and condemned to death, Izuru just cried even more tears. He got up and ran out of the room, not saying a word to anyone. His heart thudding in his chest as his buried emotions suddenly came to realise what was happening as he slumped in the corridor. His eyes were just flooding, tears cascading all down his face endlessly.

He thought all of his tears were gone, he thought all of the hurt had subsided, he thought that all of the pain would fade away. He thought he would _forget._

He even thought that because of the betrayals he suffered at their hands that he would feel nothing when the traitors died. But he was wrong, so horribly wrong. Stupid and naively wrong.

Because he still remembered. He still remembered everything.

"Why?" he asked, still sobbing and crying, "Why is it so hard to stop loving someone? Wh- why does it still hurt so much?"

The answer was simple. Even after so many traumas the heart suffers, the feelings still remain. No matter how much pain we go though, we know that there is always something that keeps us holding on. Something that one cannot kill. Memories created that have been etched into us and refuse to disappear. It is these feelings that remain in Izuru, despite having been long buried. The mind may have forgotten about them, but they are still there. You can try to pretend that they aren't, but they will be, and they are impossible to drown out completely.

For love, indeed, never does die. It can only be buried by pain.

* * *

Hmmm, I like the ending...

*looks around* I feel bad for making people cry now…. I know you're supposed to feel the heart yanking I'm doing here, but I still feel bad for making people cry…

I must do some fluff to make up for it. Or some smut… either way. Okay I'm done, back to work now.


	6. Lone soldier by the graveside III

I didn't anticipate this fic being so long. Okay there's one more chapter to go after this. And I hope it will be a little light in all of the darkness. But not tonight. I want to make you cry tonight. And no, I will not apologise for it. I want you to cry. I want you to be in absolute pieces. This is probably going to be the saddest one. So err, enjoy.

I'm off to listen to some more random vocaloid songs to dance to now…

Again, some huge arse 'abusive compulsive' plot wreckage.

Advised not to read if your happy and don't want your mood wrecked.

* * *

**Chapter 3: last words**

"Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be."

_-- Charles Jones_

Aizen was going to be put to death, immediately of course, because the dangers of keeping such a dangerous man in custody were too great. So Kira dried up his tears and somehow made his way to the top of the hill, the place where they normally executed criminals. The place where goodbyes were said and last words spoken, where memories were shattered and lives were wrecked. The place where hearts were torn apart and regrets abandoned.

This execution would be no different. Only the fact that it would be Izuru's heart that would get broken again.

He had witnessed executions before, it wasn't something that was new to him, but still his heart ached. He was going to lose somebody else. As if it wasn't bad enough that he'd lost his taichou, someone he thought of like a friend to him since before all of the abuse started, he was going to lose another person close to him.

It killed him inside to walk up those steps. It really did. Because he knew what lay ahead of him when he got to the top. And he knew that it wasn't going to be pretty. He knew it would hurt just looking at those eyes again. Hearing that voice for the final time.

He knew it would ache. He knew it would hurt. He knew that this time it would cut deep.

When he got to the top, everyone was waiting. Well, most of the captains and their fukutaichous were there anyway. Hinamori was there too. She smiled at him and he returned her weary smile. For they were both losing somebody they had cared for. Maybe even just as much as him, even though his relationship with the man had gone a lot deeper. And Kira's eyes met his for one long and seemingly endless moment.

_"You're leaving me again… and it's going to hurt. I know it is. Even worse than it did before. This time it is going to be much worse."_

It did nothing for him to have the past brought back up again. To watch and bear witness to the indirect cause of all of his suffering and heartache being made to vanish from existence. It just made more ache, more pain, more hurt. He glanced at Kira, and their eyes met again.

More heartache. Knowing that this was the end of what was, and all that could have been between them. Even though no words were spoken, everything was said through the language of the eyes. Through a single look, all of the longing, all of the ache of separation, and all of the love there, it existed, simply refusing to die.

And with it came pain.

Kira watched as they tore him away from him, yanking the ropes on the collar around his neck, causing him pain as they dragged him towards the rebuilt soukyoku stand. To Kira, it was like they were literally pulling his heart from him. But he knew the rules - traitors died. There was simply no discussion on the matter. So as much as he didn't want to have to let it happen, he had to stand and watch.

He swallowed hard as the ropes binding Aizen slowly unravelled themselves, his gut wrenching in his stomach, this was really it. Oh god, this was really it, he was going to die. He was going to lose another one.

_"Sousuke…"_

They lifted him, without so much as a warning. And Kira trembled as he stood there, his legs shaking. No, no he wasn't ready to lose another one. He wasn't ready to be on his own again. He wasn't ready to remember all the things that were, he wasn't ready to think about all of the things that could have been between them. He felt sick. The world seemed to shift under him, he started to shake again.

This was it. He was now going to watch his love die.

They raised his body up high, his arms outstretched on either side. Kira did not care that he was evil, he did not care that he had sinned, he only cared that the Sousuke he once knew and loved was now being put to death before his very eyes. They had left him so powerless and alone. Taken away everything he held dear. Leaving poor little Izuru Kira feeling empty and hurting once more. For the greater good they said it was for. But they did not know just how badly he would hurt because of it. They did not know, and they surely didn't care.

He remembered words they exchanged, how much they meant to him, coming from him. Expressions of affection and adoration in return, all of the patience that he was shown. Only to be once more hurt and scarred by this loss. Because of the evil part of him that they had to condemn. Was not a sentence enough? Maybe the selfish part of Kira wanted Aizen to just be given a jail sentence, not really caring about the others at this point for his world had just crashed down around him, and what was left of it was falling apart and being killed before his very eyes.

Aizen bore everything, still smiling at everyone, listening quietly as the bells tolled in the background. Waiting for the upcoming end. Waiting for the fires of the phoenix to consume him. Looking down upon Izuru from above and wondering if he felt the same ache that he was feeling at this present moment. How he wished for one last goodbye, one last embrace, but they would not allow it. He knew that they would not have cared. After all, he was not even granted his last requests. As much as he wanted to repair the damage done and right all the wrongs he had made, one last night with Izuru would have been too much to ask. After all, he betrayed them, he was a danger to them, he had the powers to kill them all, and they would not risk Izuru's life.

No goodbyes were shared, only pain.

Izuru watched, looking up at him, how it pained him to let it end like this. But alas neither had any choice. The time regretfully drew near and he bid his quiet farewell to the young blonde he had loved so, and only let tears fall down his face as the fiery bird took sight of its prey. Aizen smiled once more, softer than before, thinking only of Izuru in his last moments, and relaxed, letting the bird pass through him engulfing him in fire.

And Kira became numb with the shock of it all. Aizen was dead.

All words seemed to have left him, he wanted to scream and cry, but his voice failed him also, and his eyes were surprisingly dry. He was just numb.

He wanted to just go and think for a while, grieve his loss. What he had sacrificed for the world today, but Rangiku asked him along for drinks with her group of friends. Kira had to maintain a dignified face when he answered, because they did not know what he had lost.

"No thanks Matsumoto-san, I just… want to be alone for a while."

"It's okay, we understand. You go."

Kira walked until he came to a spot beneath a sakura tree, feeling his eyes water as he walked beneath all the petals falling. This was the place where they buried Gin not so long ago. And incidentally, this was the place where Aizen had confessed his love for him. The place where they had first kissed.

He sat beside Gin's grave, on the small stone bench there, and broke down. He just let it all empty from him, al of the pain and the loss and the hurt. For everything he had lost, for everything that could have been, for all of the trauma that had beeen suffered by all of them. They were all human after all, they were all capable of feeling, and they all surely did have their reasons for acting as they did.

"There Gin, he's dead…" He sobbed, unable to close the floodgates now. He sighed, looking skywards suddenly feeling quite alone.

"I'm so alone… I'm lost."

A gentle breeze passed him, and a feeling like somebody was watching him came suddenly over him. Even though nobody was there. And he remembered what Gin had said to him.

_"When I'm gone, you read this. When yer ready, you read this. Whenever ya feel alone in th' world, you just read this kay?"_

He reached inside his shihakusho and took out the folded note that Gin had handed to him only moments before his death. And with trembling hands he took it out and held it, just looking at it. internally gathering up the mental strength he needed to be able to face whatever was written there for him. For this was for Izuru's eyes only. He opened it slowly, undoing the loose red string that ties it in place and setting it down beside him, before slowly opening the paper and taking a deep breath, he began to read Ichimaru Gin's last words -

_Dear Kira, _

_I know this may not seem like much now, but I wanted to say thankyou for letting me go, and I'm sorry for hurting you. _

_Maybe I just didn't know what to do or how to ask for help or just to admit what was going on. So I took everything out on you. _

_I know I shouldn't have, and I regret it every single day that I did. I know what I did to you was awful. But just because it was happening to me, didn't give me an excuse to do it to you. And god only knows how terrible and guilty I feel. _

_But I can't go back and change it. I can't rewind and undo what happened. I wish I could but I can't. Because that is impossible. _

_But, what would you have said if I told you what was happening to me? Would you have comforted me? Would you have helped me? _

_I don't know. _

_Maybe you would. Maybe if I'd told you then we could have fought, we could have survived it and got help. But it was too painful a truth to admit, even to myself how damaged I was becoming. And all I could think of was how humiliating it would have been to tell anybody what I'd been through. And how much it hurt, and how much I wanted to just deny the fact that it ever did happen. And now I feel awful for doing the same things he did. Those same, god awful things… and I did them to you. _

_But all I can do now is apologise to you for doing them. _

_I know it's not enough; in fact it probably never will be enough. Not to repair the damage I've done to you, but I know you'll get through it. You're not like me, you're strong. I know it. _

_So don't give up like I did, please don't. I want you to smile, I don't want you to hate. Hate doesn't suit you Izuru. Smile, just a little, just for me. Please. Even if not for me, but for yourself. Be happy, go live your life, don't worry about me. Just concentrate on getting better. On being happy again. _

_I'm sure I've gone to a better place now, even though what I did was wrong, even though what I did was sinful. But if it makes you feel better to think that I have been cast down into the pits of hell and damned for all eternity, then by all means think that is so. In fact I would not blame you if you do hate me._

_I am not asking you to forgive, neither am I asking for you to accept what I did, all I ask is that you live and you live well. With neither worry nor hate when regards to me. _

_Because hate is a monster that consumes your soul. I know, for it is this monster that has devoured me. I can no longer love because of it. And I don't want you to end up the same way. _

_So please Izuru, learn from me, but do not lie to yourself that I was justified in what I did to you, live but do not forget, and love, love with all you have. Because love isn't dead yet, not for you. _

_So live your life Izuru. Forget about me, but if you must remember me, may it be not with hate. I do not want you to go down my path. For it is a path you do not wish to walk upon. Don't hurt somebody else like I hurt you. I really, really want for you to be happy. And that is my deepest wish, if not my last request. _

_I know you'll be okay, for you are Kira Izuru, and you are stronger than me. You are not alone, you will never be alone. _

_I know it's not enough, in fact, it never will be enough, but I'm sorry for all I've put you through, _

_- Ichimaru Gin_

And Kira smiled. He was still crying, and he would be for some time, but still, he did smile. He would be happy again, but not now, because now was a time to grieve, for he had lost so much today. But he knew that he would be happy again, even if only because of Gin's last words.


End file.
